RE 1 Spoof
by Urban Cowboy
Summary: What do you think? I said spoof didn't I? Sorry for the mix-up. The REAL Ending Chapter!
1. Default Chapter

The Stars members were all sitting in the meeting room when the door burst inward. "Stop the presses! There is a conspiracy going on!" Shouted Ben. Jill: Not you again!  
After the reporter was politely shown out the door (or at least as "politely" as Barry threw Ben) the meeting presumed. Wesker:(Pacing the room) we all know what's going on! I want answers! I want to know who took my last slice of pie!  
Everyone pointed to his or her left. Brad: Sir, there has been an emergency!  
Wesker and Brad talked frantically in hushed tones. Finally, Wesker shared the news with the nervous Alpha team. Wesker: We have a problem! The Bravos have crash-landed their helicopter!  
Everyone looked at each other emotionless. Wesker: And they lost the soda and food! The Alphas screamed in panic. Wesker: Don't worry I'm sure we can get the leftovers secured in time. Now let's review the briefing. As you all know the Bravos were sent ahead to secure a good picnic area. Unfortunately, their copter crash-landed and we have to save the food and their sorry assess so we can prepare for our "Save the Capcom industry". Jill: But what about the murder cases? Wesker and the others stared at her blankly. Jill: You know! The sixteen deaths that have occurred since May? Wesker: Oh quit living in the past you big baby! By the way, you owe me three dollars from two years ago. Anyway our food is getting cold-I mean, the Bravos are counting on us so let's go!  
All of the Stars members jumped up and raced downstairs to the garage but Wesker stopped them. Wesker: I think it would be quicker if we took a copter instead of a car.  
Everyone looked at each other and then quickly prepared themselves for the adventure, then took off in the copter.  
After the cheesy fire show (when the characters are introduced) the Stars got off the helicopter and started to scan the area for the missing food. A stench was in the air, along with the shadow of the Bravo helicopter. The Alphas rushed over and gasped at the horror. Chris: No more food!  
Joseph hung his head in shame and stepped on something. Barry: Joseph, is that food?  
Joseph bent down and picked up a gun with a severed hand on it. Joseph: Wow! I always wanted one of these for myself! Joseph said as he tried to pry the fingers off. Suddenly, giant dogs jumped on Joseph and started to bite him. Jill: Oh my God! Should we help him Wesker? Wesker: No, lets just stand and stare like idiots.  
Joseph screamed real loud for a long time so the others decided to just forget the food and watch the remaining of "The Simpsons" from the Alpha helicopter, but it suddenly shot up. Brad: I have to use the bathroom.  
Brad said as he flew away. Jill: Sounds like a worthy cause to me.  
The others nodded. Voice: I want money! Voice 2: Me too!  
An array of lawyers burst into the clearing and swarmed the Stars. Chris: Oh no! They probably want money for all of the movies we copied to make this game! Run for it.  
The Stars beat the lawyers to the mansion and locked the door. Amidst the shouts, Barry spoke up. Barry: I wonder where Brad is?  
Meanwhile at Brad's house. Brad is watching "The Simpsons". Brad: I can't help but think that I've forgotten something. Oh well, it'll come back sooner or later.  
  
The End of Chap. One  
Preview of Chap. 2  
After some complex theories, Jill realized the truth. Jill: There is no Easter Bunny! And you're a monster! 


	2. Chap two Yes I'm aware that that's

Jill, Chris, Barry, and Wesker entered the mansion. Wesker: Wow! Jill's got a nice butt!  
Everyone turned to him. Wesker: I mean, what a mansion! No don't open that door! Jill: I would rather be eaten then hear crappy remarks from you!  
A thump was heard somewhere. Wesker: Jill, can you go check that out? It might be Chris. Chris: What! Jill: If it will get me away from your crappy remarks, you bet! Barry: I'm going with you so I don't have to listen to Wesker sing. Chris: Hey! I'm right here you idiots!  
It was too late they were heading towards the door. Wesker: Stay alert! And don't talk to strangers! Also remember that just because I'm not here doesn't mean that I- Jill and Barry had already left so Wesker started to sing "If I Was A Rich Man" while Chris tried to convince Wesker that he was in the same room. Barry: This must be the dining room. Jill: Way to go Barry, you keep making brilliant observations like that and you'll be chief in no time! Barry: What is this?  
Jill ran over to him and saw he was looking at a pool of dark liquid. Jill: I think its strawberry maple syrup Barry, try some.  
To her horror, Barry licked some of the substance. Jill: Barry! The floor is dirty, why did you do that?  
Before Barry could say anything, a "thud" was heard in the next room. Jill went to investigate but mostly to get away from Barry. She saw a figure hunched over a dead man on the ground. The hunched figure turned to Jill with bloodstained fingers and started to advance on her. Jill thought hard and after some complex theories were explored, Jill realized the truth. Jill: There is no Easter Bunny! And you're a monster!  
Jill aimed her gun, fired several shots, grabbed the dead man's ammo, and left. If she had stayed, she would have seen the magic of the zombie get back up even though it bled. Jill ran over to Barry who had just finished lapping up the red liquid. The door suddenly burst open as the zombie walked in. Barry: (With his usual unlimited intelligence.) What is it? Jill: It's Anna Nichole Smith without make-up!  
Without hesitation, Barry shot the zombie dead and walked over to it. Barry: It's not Anna, so what is it? Jill: (Sighs) I don't know Barry. Let's report this to Wesker, maybe he knows what a zombie is.  
The two of them ran into the hall only to find it empty. Barry: They might be eating the food. We have to find them, so let's split up and defy all logic and reasoning. You take the blue door and I'll try to find more food in the kitchen.  
Jill was walking in a corridor when glass burst open and dogs jumped in and raced towards her. Jill: Time to run, even though if logic had any effect, they would be faster than me and I would die.  
Jill opened and closed the door on the dogs, keeping her safe, for now. Jill walked randomly when she ended up in a room with a shotgun in it. Jill: Wow, a gun!  
Jill ran over to it and yanked it off its hinges. The hinges went up and disappeared. Jill: This might be a bad thing, but oh well.  
Jill went into the previous room. The door behind her locked and the ceiling started to fall slowly. Jill: Oh crap.  
There was a knock on the door. Barry: Jill are you done using the bathroom? Jill: Oh Barry! Please knock down the door!  
Barry began to crash into the door over and over again. After ten minuets, Jill got tired of waiting and opened the unlocked door to meet Barry. (I never wrote that that door was locked.) Jill: Thanks for trying to save me, but this isn't going to help you get laid. Barry: Damn! Well see ya.  
Jill walked around randomly when she came to a hallway with blood on the wall. She opened the door and saw Forest. Jill: Ammo!  
Jill ran over and grabbed his grenade launcher. Forest: Jill! I'm not dead.  
But Jill was too happy about the find to listen. After more random walking Jill found Richard's body. Richard: Jill, help me! Get me the serum! It's somewhere downstairs. Jill: That sounds like a long walk. Sorry, can't help you.  
And with that she went up to the attic. After a few steps, a large snake shot out of the pen. Jill: Oh no! A rip-off of "Anaconda"!  
Jill pulled out the grenade launcher that conveniently fit in her pocket. Jill shot the grenades at the snake and thanks to the magic of boss' health, it did not blow up. Instead it crawled away.  
End of Chap. 2  
Preview of Chap. 3  
Beep, beep went the radio. Jill answered it and heard Brad's voice. Brad: This is Brad! Answer me! Anybody!  
Jill was about to do just that when Brad continued. Brad: Except if you're Jill! I read what she thought about me in her journal she left behind and boy am I pissed! She can just fuc-  
Jill switched the radio. Jill: Maybe I should just wait a little longer.  
Author: Thanks for reading! See ya next time! 


	3. Don't have one here either

Chapter 3 of the nonsense  
Before she left for the courtyard, Jill wanted to check the upstairs hall for something useful. She met Barry instead. Jill: Barry! Barry: Jill! Jill: Barry! Barry: Jill Jill: Barry! Barry: Jill! Jill: oh for the love of God, quit! What the Hell do you want! Barry: I want to tell you that I have been waiting for you all my life.  
Jill began to walk away when Barry spoke up again. Barry: Just a moment! I have a weapon that I want to give to you for some odd reason even though it won't help me get laid. Jill: What is it? Barry: Hey! Don't steal my trademark line! Anyway here are some grenades.  
Jill took the grenades and pranced all around the hall and left into the courtyard. Beep: beep went the radio. Jill answered it and Brad's voice was heard. Brad: This is Brad! Answer me! Anybody!  
Jill was about to do just that when Brad continued. Brad: Except if you're Jill! I read what she thought about me in her journal she left behind and boy am I pissed! She can just fuc-.  
Jill switched the radio off. Jill: Maybe I should just wait a little longer.  
Jill walked off the elevator and followed the path into the guardhouse. After a while of random searching, Jill found herself standing in the water for no sane reason. She started to move when she saw a dorsal fin. Jill: Oh no! A rip-off of "Jaws"!  
Jill ran to the first room she saw and noticed two switches. One said, "In case of leak, pull switch." The other one read "In case of logic and reasoning, pull switch". The second one was already pulled down so she pulled the first switch and the water drained, leaving the shark high and dry. Jill then ran around randomly some more when she entered a room with a large plant attached to the ceiling. Jill: Oh no! A rip-off of "Little Shop of Horrors!" Plant 42: Feed Me!  
Jill opened fire on the creature over and over again until it died. Jill reached into the fireplace and removed a key, then left the room. Bang, bang went a gun. Jill ran the corner and saw Wesker. Jill: Wesker! Wesker: Jill! Jill: Wesker Wesker: Jill! Jill: Wesker! Wesker: Jill! Jill: Damn it! Not this again! Wesker: So you're safe? Jill: No, I died from inactivity! What do you think?  
Wesker nodded. Wesker: I always knew you could have used more exercise. Anyway, can you go back to the mansion and try to find more useful stuff? I would do it myself, but I'm too damn lazy. Jill: Ok. Wesker: Great, I'll look around in this place appearing to be useful even though you have already searched the place.  
Jill thought about telling Wesker about Forest and Richard's death, the shark, the plant, and Brad's call, but decided against it. Jill: (Thinking to herself) I should only tell him about the important stuff.  
She had now just reentered the mansion when she heard weird noises, then the door behind her opened and in stepped a creature. Jill: Wow! A teenage mutant ninja turtle! Can I have your autograph?  
The hunter looked at Jill then retreated. Jill: Damn! I lose more and more celebrities that way!  
Jill made it to another locked door, but she forgot the key to open it. Jill: I know! I'll just knock annoyingly until the Author unlocks the door! Just like his brother!  
Jill than began to bang on the door as loudly as possible and screaming "Let me in!" as annoyingly as possible. (Just like the Author's brother.) The Author then answers the door. Author: Fine! You're in! Now quit that!  
Jill walked in confidently when the snake slithered out of the fireplace and tried to attack her. Jill ripped out her grenade launcher and fired all the rounds into the snake. The snake was still alive and Jill ran out of ammo for the grenade launcher. Jill: Oh what the hell! We already ripped off so many movies we might as well rip Harry Potter off.  
Jill snapped her fingers and the red phoenix appeared with the sword that Harry used to kill the snake in his book. Jill the used the same strategy that Harry used too, but then she got bitten just when she delivered the final blow. Jill: Crap! Phoenix: I can't believe I have to do this!  
The phoenix then cried and when the tears hit Jill, she magically healed. Jill: Good thing that nobody in or out of this game believes in logic!  
Jill then noticed a hole in the floor and decided to investigate.  
  
End of Chap Three Thank you for reading this. I know that this chapter isn't as funny as the  
other two, but bear with me. See ya next time!  
  
Preview of Chap Four Jill: Enrico! Are you bleeding? Enrico: No Jill, this is just cherry syrup!  
Barry looked at the blood and liked his lips. Barry: Cherry syrup. 


	4. The Official Ending Chapter!

RE 1 Spoof part four  
Late Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil or any of its characters. I don't know why I posted this because if I did, then why would I make fun of  
my own game? Have fun.  
  
Jill walked into the kitchen and started to look around for food when she saw a figure on the floor with a sign on its back that read, "no, I'm NOT a zombie!" Jill, being a little thick, didn't get the obvious clue. Luckily she did step on the head killing it. She walked into an elevator then a closet. This when she saw a battery.  
  
Jill: That must be important because it's sparkling! Now I can go run around aimlessly some more to get more worthless items with no help from those other dolts.  
  
Jill hopped off the elevator and headed towards the waterfall (the entrance to the underground area)  
  
Jill: Hope it's not too cold.  
  
Time slowed down as Jill ran slowly towards the entrance (think Baywatch) as her chest went up and down, the water cascading all over her body as she went down the ladder. Barry stared at Jill for a very long time before answering.  
  
Barry: Jill!  
  
Jill: (Pointing her gun at Barry) Oh no! Don't even think about pulling that off with me again!  
  
Barry: What is this?  
  
Jill: (Aims gun at Barry)  
  
Barry: Whoa this could be dangerous.  
  
Jill: Oh! Just get behind me so I can get the "Great Ending".  
  
Barry: This must be a cave . . .  
  
Jill and Barry then wonder around aimlessly until they hear a voice . . .  
  
Enrico: Jill . . . Barry . . . help!  
  
Barry: Kneels down and examines Enrico) I hope this isn't Chris' blood . . .  
  
Jill: (Hits Barry) Enrico, what happened?  
  
Certain Somebody . . . (shoots Enrico before he can give his dramatic speech and not just give the traitor's name like a smart person) Whoops! The trigger must have slipped! Sorry Jill, see ya in the lab! By the way, I am not Wesker.  
  
Enrico: No! . . . . Only . . . chance . . . to . . . have significant . . . lines . . .ruined . . .can't . . . keep . . . talking like . . . this . . . (dies).  
  
Jill: Damn it! Well come on Barry, let's go.  
  
Barry: No Jill I need to examine the body.  
  
Jill: What's to examine? See? The message thing at the bottom of the screen says, "He is no longer breathing . . . "  
  
Barry: I hope this isn't Chris' blood . . .  
  
Jill: Forget you!  
  
(After a while) Barry: I think Enrico is dead . . .  
  
Jill: then disembarks on a journey to find the murder, and finds the crank that was "cunningly" left behind by that Certain Someone . . .  
  
Jill: inserts the crank, spins the wall thingy around and enters the next room, after of course, checking it so she doesn't confuse the crank with the other one which she can't get rid of.  
  
There was a large rock and . . . apparently nothing else. Curiosity got the better of her and she ran towards it for reasons that a sane person would not understand. After realizing that she could not go through it, she walked towards the exit. That of course, was before she realized that the giant rock was rolling towards her.  
  
Jill: Time to rip off yet another movie.  
  
And with that she tipped her hat down, cradled the golden idol, and ran towards the doorway. After the ball crashed into the wall she entered the new room.  
  
Jill: (Sees giant, super-sized, spider) Oh crap! Natives! I mean a spider! (Fights it until it dies.) Yeah! (Millions of mini-spiders burst out of it.) Damn!  
  
Jill runs back through the door and re-enters. Somehow, the spiders have vanished; either that, or they just couldn't wait the whole second it took for her to re-enter. Jill then sees that there is webbing on the other door, but instead of using her hand and brushing it away, she ran back to the last storage room and retrieved her knife, which without this situation, would be totally useless. She wondered around randomly some more and ended up on a lift, which took her to a courtyard with a very large fountain.  
  
Jill: I wonder if I can get to the Underground Lab from here since I can't use the doors to the helipad. (Looks at door with sign that read: "Door sealed shut to annoy future player."  
  
Jill then got an idea. She picked up the floor mat in front of the fountain and sure enough, she found the two medals she needed. After she drained the water, she saw a million coins, several copies of the keys that she had used, and that diamond necklace that the old lady threw away in Titanic for some reason.  
  
She entered the elevator and prepared to enter the abyss below.  
  
She found herself in front of a computer consul now. Apparently, she had to enter in some codes to gain entry to some locked rooms.  
  
Jill: I know! (Types in "Capcom rules" and hits "enter".  
  
Computer: All doors unlocked.  
  
Before she left, she picked up the slide package.  
  
Jill: Maybe this will show what happened here.  
  
Up in the office room, she put the slides in to the machine.  
  
Machine: Umbrella's Spring Break.  
  
Jill: Damn! (Flips though until she finds a picture that looks like . . .) Wesker?  
  
Jill studied the picture closely and put 2 and 2 together. Unfortunately, she got 5.  
  
Jill: So Wesker is on Umbrella's skiing team! No wonder he kept leaving us recently. He was practicing.  
  
(Flashback)  
  
Wesker: I'm sorry, but I have to leave.  
  
Brad: Where are you going? And why do you smell like lab chemicals?  
  
Wesker: I . . . um . . . forgot to shower?  
  
Enrico: (About to say something significant when Jill ends the flashback)  
  
Jill: He he! Try to out-do me, eh?  
  
Jill looked to the wall with a sign that read: "This is not an obvious trap . . ."  
  
Jill walked over to it and pressed the button. A section of the wall moved reveling . . .  
  
Jill: A trumpet! (Starts playing when a key comes out of it.)  
  
Jill: Another key? Jeez you would think that with all these locked doors it's a wonder that any work gets done.  
  
Jill was now in the room with all the steam and electrical stuff.  
  
Jill: (Hears talons on ceiling) Hey! What's that noise? (Looks up and sees mutated monkey with hooks) Oh no! Math teachers! (Runs around and enters room with giant generator.)  
  
Computer: Will you turn on the elevator that somehow turned itself off after a Certain Someone has used it?  
  
Jill: Yes.  
  
Computer: Do you want to activate the circuit that somehow activates after you confront what's-his-face and blows this place ski-high even though if you were smart you wouldn't want to blow this place up? Instead you would want to come back with reinforcements and nail Umbrella. But no, you didn't think about that did you? You stupid blonde!  
  
Jill: (Only read first seven words) Yes.  
  
Computer: (Sigh) Have a nice day.  
  
Jill: Ran out of the generator room and then to the save point where she saved her progress and took out her magnum, her shotgun, and ammo for each gun, along with some herbs. Then she went to the elevator.  
  
Jill: (Pushes button) I hope this elevator doesn't play elevator music.  
  
Speaking of annoying . . .  
  
Barry: Jill: I have come to tell you that Enrico is dead.  
  
Jill: Really (Speaking in sarcastic tone)  
  
Barry: Yes, he's dead all right.  
  
Jill: (Sighs)  
  
Elevator: (Opens)  
  
Jill: Well since you're here let's go down for some more fun.  
  
Jill and Barry enter the elevator and listen to horrible elevator music. At the bottom, they get off and meet a Certain Someone . . .  
  
Wesker: Hello Jill, and Barry.  
  
Jill: Wesker, I think that there is a traitor amongst our ranks.  
  
Wesker: Oh really, well who could that be? (Says in sarcastic tone)  
  
Jill: (Not noticing that gun has been pointed at her for several minuets.) Yes, I think that it's Brad. He's the one who ditched us into this mess.  
  
Wesker: That's a good guess, but it's actually me!  
  
Jill: How could you?  
  
Wesker: Well, Umbrella-  
  
Jill: No, how where you the one who drove the helicopter when you got off with us?  
  
Wesker: Whatever. Anyway, Barry would you leave us alone? I'll take things from here.  
  
Barry: (Leaves)  
  
Wesker: Good boy.  
  
Barry: Woof.  
  
Jill: How could you both-  
  
Wesker: Barry was forced to do this. I threatened something very important of his. But that does not matter. (Steps behind Jill) We're going to- (Gets knocked out by . . .)  
  
Barry: I'm sorry Jill. (Sees blood) I hope this isn't Chris' blood.  
  
Jill: It's okay. What did Wesker threaten you with anyway?  
  
Barry: He threatened to break all my "Silent Hill" games.  
  
Jill: That bastard. Anyway, why don't we go into this room and see this ultimate weapon.  
  
Barry: Good idea. Then we can start randomly hitting buttons like drunken chimps and see what happens.  
  
Jill and Barry then enter the room and look at the giant monster in the back of the room. Scary music starts playing as the camera does a close-up at the horrible and unfinished skin that could only be compared to a peanutbuttersunshine fanfic. Only the Tyrant looked much cooler.  
  
Barry: This looks dangerous . . .  
  
Jill: (Starts randomly banging on computer keyboards) I just know that one of these damn things has got to have the Internet . . .  
  
Both of them hear banging noises and see Tyrant bust out. It attacks Barry.  
  
Jill: Wow! That was cool! Oh, wait! I mean, bad Tyrant!  
  
Tyrant: (Whines and sits in a corner with a dunce cap on its head.)  
  
Barry: (Wakes up and sees his blood) I hope this isn't Chris' blood.  
  
Jill: Come on Barry let's get going.  
  
Barry and Jill run out into the next room where they find that Wesker is gone.  
  
Barry: Jill, I'm going to leave you again for no apparent reason. See ya at the top.  
  
Jill, now alone, decided to check out the only area that she hadn't checked out in hopes that she would find a bathroom. She found Chris instead.  
  
Chris: Hello Jill, can you get me out of here?  
  
Jill: Well I guess I'm going to have to if I want to get the "Great Ending".  
  
Jill: (Opens the door, which apparently unlocked the whole time.)  
  
Chris: I was about to try that before you got here . . .(Runs ahead of Jill for some odd reason.)  
  
Chris: See you at the heliport!  
  
Jill: Can't any of these guys just wait for me?  
  
Chris: No that would be something logical. And you know we can't have that.  
  
Jill runs to the 1st floor basement and meets Barry and Chris. All three of them run into the corridor with the last elevator when . . .  
  
Tyrant: Roar!  
  
Chris: Oh boy! An opportunity for me to try to fight the monster and look like a hero even though Jill will end up fighting it anyway. (Runs off)  
  
Barry: What the hell. (Runs off after him)  
  
Jill goes into elevator and faces more bad music and gets off. She is now at the heliport.  
  
Brad: Blah blah blah blah blah Jill Blah blah!  
  
Jill: What? I can't understand you!  
  
Tyrant: (Rips out of ground)  
  
Jill: I can understand that! (Pulls out guns and starts blasting away at Tyrant until . . .  
  
Brad: (Drops rocket launcher) Jill! Blah blah blah blah monster!  
  
Jill: Thanks I guess . . . (Uses rocket launcher on Tyrant)  
  
Tyrant: (Dies)  
  
Barry and Chris come out just a nanosecond after Jill kills the monster.  
  
Chris: (Speaking in monotone) We're sorry we didn't help you Jill.  
  
Jill: That's okay. I will always look cooler than you anyway.  
  
Jill, Chris, and Barry climb into the helicopter.  
  
Barry: (Looking at Tyrant's blood) I hope this isn't Chris' blood.  
  
Brad: Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!  
  
Jill: Let's get out of here!  
  
Everyone looks out the window and sees the mansion explode in a shower of confetti. Jill falls asleep on Chris' shoulder.  
  
Chris (Thinking) Gee, we look great as a couple. I wonder if people are going to write romance stories about us. Oh, well, it's either that or spoofs.  
  
The End  
  
An Earl "Bad Fashion" McFlanders Production  
  
I would like to thank all the people who read this little spoof and still continued even after the long time delay. Now, I would like to present to you, a sample of my spoof for RE2.  
  
Claire: You know Bruce, I would really like it if you would keep you're eyes on the road. It's just not safe to drive blind.  
  
Leon: Leon: Fine you big baby. Hold my beer would you?  
  
Claire: (Looks at bottle wide-eyed.)  
  
You'll know why Claire called Leon "Bruce" soon. See you later. 


End file.
